Letters to the Editor

⚠️ A Warning to the States

Date: Dec 30th | From: Reginald “Reggie” Torode, St. Sampson’s

“I was driving past the Halfway this morning and spotted a single orange traffic cone sitting idly on the pavement. There was no work being done. No holes in the road. No men in hi-vis vests drinking tea.

Is this what we have come to? Are the cones now breeding independently? I sat in my stationary vehicle for twelve minutes out of sheer habit. If this cone is not removed by Tuesday, I shall be forced to park my tractor across the coast road in silent protest. We are an island of laws, not an island of plastic cylinders.”

🥘 The Consistency of Bean Jar

Date: Jan 1st | From: Marguerite Le Cheminant, St. Pierre du Bois

“I recently attended a New Year community dinner where the ‘Bean Jar’ was served with—and I struggle to even type this—carrots.

Has the world gone mad? My grandmother would be spinning in her grave at the thought of a carrot touching a pig’s trotter. Bean jar is meant to be the color of a rainy Tuesday at Vazon and the consistency of wet cement. Anything else is just ‘soup’ and quite frankly, it’s an insult to our ancestors.”

🦀 A Mysterious Crab

Date: Jan 2nd | From: Concerned Beachgoer (Anonymous)

“While walking my labradoodle at L’Ancresse yesterday, I encountered a spider crab that looked suspiciously like a resident of Jersey. It had a certain ‘arrogance’ in its pincer movement and refused to make eye contact when I said ‘Bonjour.’

Can the Border Agency confirm if we are monitoring the crustacean migration patterns? I don’t pay my parish rates to have foreign shellfish loitering on our granite.”

📮 High Street ‘Assault Course’

Date: Jan 3rd | From: Phyllis Bisson, Torteval

“Can someone explain to the tourists that the High Street is a place for brisk, purposeful walking, not for standing in a circle of twelve people to discuss the price of a souvenir thimble?

I had to use my umbrella to navigate through a group of visitors who were marveling at a post box. It’s a post box, dear. It’s red. It takes letters. Move along, I have a bus to catch that only runs once every four years.”

💡 The Herm Light

Date: Jan 4th | From: Thomas ‘Tam’ Ogier, Vale

“I notice the light over on Herm was particularly bright last night. Given the current cost of electricity, I trust the States aren’t paying for that? If they want light on Herm, they should do what we did in the old days—light a candle and hope for the best. We’re paying for a cable to France, not a disco in the Belvoir valley.”

🐴 In Defense of the Donkey

Date: Jan 4th | From: The ‘Real’ Guernsey Society

“In response to last week’s letter calling the Guernsey Donkey a ‘stubborn relic’: How dare you. The donkey is the perfect metaphor for the Sarnian spirit. We are slow to move, we like to stand in the middle of the road, and we make a very loud noise when we are annoyed.

If the writer prefers the ‘jumpy’ nature of a Jersey Toad, they know where the ferry is. (Assuming it’s running, which it isn’t).”